Sorry - had to add back the word verification - Spammed

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Lost in translation.. What is normal?

I know these blogs should be fluffy and upbeat but this is my yuck weekend, so just skip and come back later. I gotta get this out.

I am having a hard time this weekend keeping my mind settled and where it needs to be. I have a relationship that I thought was good, or going in a good direction and now think i never really knew anything about this person. I feel that one of the more important things in life is honestly and without that there is nothing real. I worked so hard my whole life not to be a victim or be "that kid", "that broken home kid" or "poor her, poor anything". I have worked to not let too many people know who I really am in pain inside and it made things worse for me. I worked so hard to make sure that only the good showed and I was putting on my best act, lying to everyone around me and myself. Then came that time in my life that I need to find me, and after 10 years and a lot of work, I really feel I found that person. I am not perfect, I am not beautiful, or even thin anymore, but I am honest and I am a good person and that is being tested right now in me and I am having such a hard time understanding how I worked so hard to get close to someone that just lied to me and never told me the truth. I can't work on a relationship based on lies and or the wonder of what is real and what is not. I am having such a hard time, I need to call the Dr on Monday, maybe it is a phase, maybe it's like having a period, feels like that time of the month, crying and trying to keep myself composed isn't working. I have had friends that were depressed when they were pregnant and say it's horrible, I am in that perfect time frame for it to kick in, I have no control over my life and I am soon responsible for another. Great.. I am broken hearted, weak and can't keep it together, and soon I will be sleep deprived, alone with a newborn and expected to handle it all. I know in my mind that I can do this but I have friends right now that have newborns and can't seem to get or keep themselves out of bed. I am afraid, I know that Bob is great but he is going to have to work. I don't want to be this weak broken person and I am going to do my best to keep my head up, get sunlight, exercise and stay positive. I wish there was an honest way to know what women in generations before ours did. I mean there must be something that helps, that does not make you need medication, or hours of therapy. I have looked in all my books and it all says that one stupid word... Normal. It's NORMAL to have emotional breakdowns and cry for no or some stupid reason in your third trimester. It's normal to have a 3 week old baby that you are trying to breastfeed and drinking more Pepsi than eating food. It's normal to lie in bed at 2 am wondering what goes on in there, did you feel enough movement today? Why isn't anything moving now? Then lie there for another 2 hours until the baby wakes up and moves and you get at least those "normal" 10 kicks.
What a shitty shitty day... what a crazy crazy ramble. I am off to try to figure out my curtains, try to make some baby presents for others and God willing, get my sewing room cleaned up. I think it's time for a new Audio book... Eat, Pray is almost over and it's time for something new.

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