Sorry - had to add back the word verification - Spammed

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Here there and everywhere... (part One)

I am trying to catch up on everything, laundry, dishes, housework, blogging, time with Miss T and that is leaving little time for me.  This gives me the big option to somehow turn into a big mushy pile of crap.  I actually laid on my bed last night watching the Netflix version of Nurse Jackie and Weeds Season 5.  Don't get me wrong, they were GREAT. I miss watching TV, anything without something blue dancing in the screen is great for me!
For those of you asking about updates on my medication issues. I am off the medication fully, the one that was really bad.  I did start a new medication because, well, there is no reason to be in the checkout at the store.  I mean Brittney has a lot going on but really...
So, long story short, I am on new meds, on a diet/ weight loss change in my life, but I feel better. I feel more.  I can't believe the changes, just from last year until now. 
Recap -
  •  I have gone back to work, after having major surgery, a baby, and postpartum to gaining __ weight, feeling lethargic, not wanting to do anything but sleep, because that is the LAST thing I am (was then) getting.  Up every 2 hours, move to 3, then to 4. Never longer than a 6 hour stretch, up, over and over and over. 
  •  I miss sleep, I love it, I wish I could have more of it. Now the Migraines start because I am not getting sleep, and the depression, and the sugar. It's hard, I can't function, up at 4 am, to feed, by the time we are done it's time to get in the shower for work, then work, go up, pump, come back down, try to get my brain in that place to be productive and know things that used to just come to me.
  • Time to eat lunch, I am so tired, I just buy lunch at work, of course it's grease and junk because that's about all they have. 
  • Still tired, I need soda, sugar something to wake me up.
  • Coffee is my friend, I wish I could have more but it makes my milk go down.  the only thing working for me now is nursing, I seem to be pretty good at it. 
  •  Taking meds to help the crying, I seem to cry all the time, I guess this is pp.  
  • Still working, all the same, I have no energy nothings changing.
  • Still Crying.
  • They upped my meds, I don't know if it's really helping, I feel more numb than anything else.
  • I am still not getting a lot of sleep, I've moved the monitor so I can't see the light anymore, just hear the sound. She wakes up a lot, she's been so much better about self soothing, it's not helping me sleep.  Once I am up, I am up.  I wish I were this awake during the day.
  • It's Christmas, I can't deal with people. Thanksgiving was bad enough, I feel horrible, like a big fat pig. I can't believe I got my period, I can't believe I am gaining weight! I don't even care. ugg.. 
  • My Birthday, I hate this day, I am stopping the meds today, Happy Birthday, this is the best gift to me!
  • OMG, I am dizzy, I am sick to my stomach, why am I not losing weight? why don't I feel better?
  • It's the one year old birthday party. Things went great. I only threw up once today.  I think that's a sad way to know I am feeling better. This med sucks! they really need to rethink it.  I guess I just don't understand all of the nasty that comes with it. safe in milk I guess that's what they look for.  I am glad I nursed until now,  We are weaning now, should only be another few weeks and we will be all done. I am sad thinking about that. 
  • One month after being off those meds and I still feel like shit! WTH!
  • Easter, I don't want to deal... I want to stay home!
  • Saw new doc, he said work thru it. 
  •  Two months after being off these meds and its not any better. Called and called and called my ob. no luck . going to see a new primary next week. Please God! Help me! I can't live like this!
  • My allergist gave me some more Benadryl to help with the dizzy spells. Said he'd call me in some other stuff if I need it.
  • the new doc won't give me anything to help, I called the office they ran more tests and nothing. work thru it
  • It's MAY! May and I am finally feeling better... I think, I am physically feeling better that is. 
  • I can think again, not as well as before, but I can at least think. I look like shit, and I know this in my head, but I can't seem to care.. What is going on with me?
  • Fibber.. I cried today on the phone with my tech.     This is not something that should happen. I am calling the doctor again.
  • Called Primary, he thinks I should "stick it out" - he said he'd schedule me with a whack job consult if I am not better by mid summer.  Ok, this is a jackass thing to say.  Not really happy about that. This Dr may be short-lived.
  • Still crying, this is not right.  Called ob. Putting me on new med.  My choice med.  I feel a little better just knowing that. Is this physiological?
  • Started on meds... Feeling better.. a little more day by day.. Hmm.. Good
  • I feel better and better day by day, I've started walking at work.
  • We took a walk today around the block. T loves the stroller. We may do this a lot this summer.. good, I need it
  • Sharing meals with T, nice, easy and small.  I feel better.
  • Grocery store, almost cried in the checkout.. Cried at home, no reason, making dinner. No period yet? Calling OB. My appt is in 3 weeks Maybe I need a higher dose? Should I wait?
  • Higher dose per Dr. Ok, I am ok with that. I can deal. I can handle it.  All is well, this is just for now, just to help.  I need to look up side effects.. I am not really worried.
  • Looked in the mirror this am. UGG I am a fat pig.  Gross, getting on the treadmill tonight, starting my ww again, I've got to get this under control.
  • Went to a birthday party today.  Ya, not only am I a fat pig but it seems everyone there thought so too and felt the need to discuss it.  fuk, I hate this.
  • Lost 3 lbs. I feel better. not a lot better but we are getting there, my goal now is pre preg weight. we will work from there after that.. get there first. get there first.

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Susie said...

Postpartum is the worst!!

Melissa and Lola said...

ping me tomorrow or next week :-). we need to chat i think...