Sorry - had to add back the word verification - Spammed

Monday, March 3, 2008

Dear Baby -

Dear Baby...
I can't wait to meet you. It feels like it's been forever from the time I first dreamed that you were coming. I can't tell you how many times you have changes in my mind, growing into and as a person. It's amazing, something that is going on in my head and in my body and both are separate functions but both effecting my dreams.
I know I thought you were a boy at first but I really am glad your a girl, I am proud of who I am and can 't wait to see the strong woman that you become in life. One woman that can speak her mind, her heart and her truth, a woman that knows what she wants (most of the time is fine) and is not afraid enough to stop going after it. It's ok to be afraid, and it's fine to wonder, but don't ever let that stop you from trying. It's ok to cry, it does not make you weak, there is a strength in showing your emotions, and feeling enough of yourself to be ok on the inside and show what is going on outside.
This pregnancy has changed me into so much more than I ever thought I would be (LITERALLY!) and it has helped me understand how to feel the changes in me and identify where my life and my body are. There has been a lot that has gone on in the past 9/10 months that I hope that you get to experience on your own. I promise you, I am going to sound a little whiny now but I know you are worth it. This is just how I am dealing some days and I hope you have the gift of gab like both of your parents, and I hope you love to read and write like your mother and you can see the world in a camera like your dad.
I hope that I didn't ruin Clementine's & oranges for you, I think I have eaten a lifetimes supply of them, I saved you chocolate like uncle Dave, you can fight over it with him, I had no desire for it the whole time. I never really got into a lot of cravings, but I did like rice crispy's with no sugar, milk super cold (Melissa would be proud if I used ice), gummy bears, sweetish fish, & sweet tarts. I think that I would not have any cravings that would stop me or pull me away but daddy craved Pantera's enough that I didn't need to, but I did love going to Wendy's.
I am going to take pictures of your room this week, I can't wait for you to see it. I showed you today where Aunt Anja is but I am sure you can't see her yet, soon enough you will know where everyone is and we will have fun finding them after we get post cards.
I can't begin to tell you how much this whole journey has changed my outlook on having a baby, there is so much that goes into finding out, telling daddy and then feeling your first movements. I think my favorite was when daddy could finally feel you and would talk to you and try to get you to kick more. There is nothing better than those first 7 months (for me with you) I really did have a good time figuring out who where we go from here, thinking of how your going to laugh, run, and do the things that I did as a kid. I heard the kids outside playing the other day and can't wait until that is you. Even the high pitched screams of girls when they are so excited they just can't hold it in. (that's an outside scream, ok)
I know I sound like I am not happy these days, I am it's just becoming a lot harder on me and my body. Your a whole lot of kid and you should be here soon. Dr said you could be about 8 pounds so that's hard for me to carry with no arms. It's hard on my belly and harder on my back. There comes a time when everything is just harder, being at home without you has been one of those things. I am ready for you to be here and have your own voice, even if it is at 3 am. My ankles are swelling everyday, it's not a pretty picture but I have to say it's not been to bad, thankfully I am not going to any fashion shows so I am fine in pants. My skin is so tight on my belly that it hurts to wear my shirt down over it and my belly button. If my back didn't hurt so bad from you sitting on my sciatica I would feel pretty good right now, but the pain is bad enough that I am having a hard time walking. This is no good for me, Melissa may have surgery soon (again) and it would be nice if I could go see her and actually be able to walk and sit once I got there. The heartburn has not been bad except the past few weeks and that's about 3 am which is always nice to wake up and have.
I take all of these things and try to put them in the back of my mind, knowing soon you will be here before we know it. One day we will paint crafts, cook cookies, and even tag team daddy and make him dye eggs with us (you can use the glue gun once your 9, maybe 8). We will carve pumpkins and find or make the best costumes ever, no matter what it is that you want to be. I can't say that I have a dream of you being one thing, in fact, I hope you have a love for many like I do. I hope that you get the chance to make donuts (yes Aunt Lisa did that) and I hope you get to learn how to shoot pool by the best (Uncle Mark may teach you), and work on cars even if they are stinky, they give you character and boys really find that hot, and I do hope you get to make pizzas like I did, or work at Ponderosa like dad. I hope that you suffer through a summer of minimum wage work and swimming with friends that leaves you golden brown and tired but remembering every moment, every song and every scent. I hope you laugh so hard your cheeks and stomach hurt, I hope you fall in love a lot, I hope you make mistakes and learn from them, they are not worth making if you do it over and over again. I hope you find a hero, and I hope you find a hobby, even if it's sticker collecting. I hope you have a best friend, one that talks you into painting and selling rocks and Popsicle sticks, even if you have to see her hurt and understand sometimes there's nothing you can do but be there, and know that forever she's there for you, telling stupid stories about you and her doing all the dumb things (that you learned from) and laughing over wine when your OLD like 30!
There are so many things that I want for you, more than anything I want you to be happy, healthy, (here), and the love of my and daddy's lives.
Hugs and kisses.

1 comment:

krgans said...

Aww... You are going to be a great mom. I wish you all the best. All I know is its one of the best things that has happened to me.