List 3. I Wish

Lets face it.. we all want something, but this list is for those big crazy things...

1. I wish we had a pool, it's just not going to happen right now, but it may someday.
2. I wish we lived closer to family, the cousins, all the girls are so close in age, it would be great to live closer to them.
3. I wish I didn't have to work, ya a lot of moms say this, I could be fine working part time but thanks GW.
4. I wish I knew if I wanted more kids, I am just so happy with Miss T right now, I am not thinking of anything else. Everything she does makes me happy and she's just the most perfect baby ever... I am in mommy bliss.
5. I wish I were better at buying my husband gifts. He is so hard to shop for...
6. I wish I could open my own store, and sit down and sew all the time but that's not good for anyone, epically my butt!
7. I wish (ok sometimes) I could go back in time and change a few little things from my past, but if you watch Heroes then you know that it all falls into that butterfly effect and bla bla bla..
8. I wish my sister(s) (and sisters in law) lived closer, it would be so great to have someone here that could walk with me, work out together, hang on the weekends, bookstores and all that.
9. I wish we were closer to my mom too, it's so nice when she gets to spend time with Miss T, but it's not as often as I would like. I loved that my Godmother was across the street, and even more so, that she bought a crib when I was born so I could be over there more often...
10. I wish Bob's dad was not such a POS, and that mine was not either. Would have been nice to have some grandfathers. We do love the men in our lives but those two make it hard on us both.

Crazy wishes I know, no trains planes, helicopters, living in Hawaii.. I mean those are all things I would take of COURSE!! but the above is higher on the list.

List 1. I Miss...

Here is list one Welcome to 10.10
These are things I miss...
(in no special order)
1. I miss my baby falling asleep on my chest for no reason during the day
2. I miss my dad.. sometimes, when I am not cleaning up the shit he left behind
3. I miss my Godmother, all the time, every day... I wish she were here to see all our babies
4. I miss Don, I know I talked about him before, I still do miss him. There are times when Miss T does something that I know I would have called him and told him.
5. I miss Melissa's sight, it hurts me to hear whats going on with her now. We are working on baby sign language for Miss T and she won't get it, see it or know what she wants until she can talk.
6. I miss my car, I know it sounds silly but I miss my mess, I miss my own.. I love my family but I miss having something that was just me.
7. I miss my pre-preggo bod.. I am working on getting it back but there is a whole nursing guilt there, I don't want to starve Miss T, I am too tired to work out most nights, and I pump at work so I don't go walk because I feel like I am away from my desk too much. There, I said it...
8. I miss my music, I feel out of touch not listening to new music that I love. I am sick of pop, and whatever radio crap is on... I need new tunes...
9. I miss good books, I loved Twilight, I admit it.. I didn't think I would, I am glad I waited until book 4 was coming out, but I think now that it's getting cold we need to start our book club back up.
10. I miss PIZZA... Not eating it, working with it.. I was in the best shape of my life working at a pizza place. Carrying things around, working hard, lifting, walking.. I HATE MY DESK!

ok, enough about me today, any TEN's out there?

MIA and other stories...

So, I have been really quiet about a few things for a long time. I know that the support on this thing is great and I thank you all for being here for me, but I didn't talk much about being sued recently. It was my whole family that was, not just me but even with that, it's scary, hard and I was pregnant when it stared and Miss T was only weeks old when I got served. It was just hard enough with everything else going on to have this too. I don't talk much about my family but this has to do with my dad and that was subject enough all on it's own while I was waiting for her to get here, that I didn't need this on top of it all.
I made this sound like it was the beginning of the story but it's not and that's a post for another day and one big set for Miss T and her grandfathers (yes both of them) so the short story for now is, he left when I was 5 and soon after I didn't see him again until I was 15 and we started talking when I was 17 then he died when I was 20. Either or this is where some of it goes...
The Court date was this week, we had our primary Unkie in charge of going to court and he and Auntie Rach came in town for a visit. Miss T and I were there all weekend and most of this week to prep and support the cause. We were glad we did, I have a few pictures to post soon but we have been traveling a lot this week so I have not had a lot of computer down time.
I did get a note from a friend this morning that came in perfect timing to help explain my gratitude to my mom for all that she's done for us while growing up, being a single mom with 5 kids, a full time job, extended kids from the neighborhood, and a life of her own to try to have as well. This Post from Migraine Mom, Invisible Mom says it all.. Take a read, it's worth it.

Invisible Mother..
I only have 5 more days to squeeze into summer because work starts back up on Monday. Today we will be at a friends house all day playing, playing and playing! A friend sent this to me yesterday and it really struck me. I can't claim it as my own and I'm not sure of the author, but I thought it was beautiful. Enjoy!

Invisible Mother.....

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.' I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Week 40

Went to the Dr. yesterday and still effaced to 70/ 75% and only dilated to 1. Uggg! He says the same thing he always says, "there may be a little bleeding but it's time to get ready, we just need to get there". He gives me a high five for having contractions that wake me most of the night before but still no change. "This is typical in first time mom's, it's hard and I know your are hurting but we'll bet there, this is all normal".
I'm a wreck, most days, at least last week I was, I feel a bit better more centered this week. . Some are better than others but it all just sucks, and I have such a small support system right now that I really don't know who to talk to most days. I don't have the work moms that I could usually talk to about how crappy things are going for all of us then feel better, laugh a little and move on. I have Emilie, don't get me wrong, and I would not live without her at this point in time, she's really there for me and texting gets me thru the day when things are too busy and she can't talk. Melissa is having a really super shitty time right now and I wish I could be there more for her, thats really hard on me, this is the furthest we have ever lived from each other. She's a trooper though and will call me with her shitty news to make me feel better. Crazy, she's such a nut.
I still give, I still can't take it and now I get nightmares, remembering my dad. I keep having this dream about him going to my Godparents house to play cards and I am across the street, yet he never sees me. Uggg again, whatever. Frank gave me a box that has been in his basement for as long as I have been here. A lot of it was cards from when I was born, and there seemed to be a lot of support in those cards, nice to know the people that were around my parents back then. The cards are cute, very 70's of course really big eyes on the girls on the cards. Lots of encouragement and hope for a girl. Seems we get to know these things so much faster these days, I wonder what would have changed if there would have been that technology back then.
In other Frank news:
So, I made this bag, it's funny as hell, made from leftover ties that I made Abbie and Maxine skirts that were Franks. The skirts are really cute, I am not so sure about the purse/bag. I need to get some pictures of the curtains out here, don't I . Let me do that no I made this crazy looking bag/purse, did I mention the purse before? The purse is ok, but very Dr. Seuss, it leans a lot because the thin part (behind the neck) is always in the same place so it's really thin there, I didn't think about that part but all in all for scrap, it's cute, different? Here are the curtains, I worked on them most of the weekend., and thankfully I got skills from my pop and we had to work with what we could get. WE loved the material but it was not enough, or so we thought, I honestly had less than an inch strip of scrap when I was done. Measure 45,000 times , cut once!









I made some burp cloths too, and a bib. I know I mentioned those before, but here are some photos' of what I did. Simple, cute, I really like the look of them. Some were gifts so if there is a chance that one is for you (close your eyes) don't look!

It's not over, till it's over.. and it's not over :(

Starting week 2 at home. Not so much fun but I did get a lot of sit down boring stuff done. I still am not my chipper self, not so much fun but there is no one here to talk to yet. Dr appointment in the am so we will all cross our fingers, toes and pray A LOT! We (this we) is also going to have a nice chat with the Super Doc and discuss timing and dates.
In other news, there is no other news, my life is pretty boring. I did make curtains this weekend that even Charlie himself would be proud of. A few burp cloths and a bib too. I'll try to toss some pictures out here tonight if I can. I am not even sure if I am sleeping well these days. I slept from around 1:30 to almost 4 and got up and started a load of laundry, and picked up in the bedroom. I woke or thought I woke bob at 5 but he said he was awake even if he did fall asleep on the couch to get some real shut eye. Finished a few loads of laundry, picked up and seem to have a stack of parents, parenting, and pregnancy magazines. Anyone want them? They are good, already read here so I would hate to toss them in the recycle bin. I wrapped a few gifts for babies that are here and soon to be here. I need to call Patti and have her come out one day this week to help start on Adam and Stef's comforter. I need to open a new baby bank account and I think I am going to turn in my old savings bonds for new once as soon as she's born. It's time to pass down the torch. Betty did give me silver dollars too but I have no idea what ever happened to those.
I need to go to world market on my way home from the Dr tomorrow to see if I can find one more "hamper" I filled the one with blankets and not a single one that I made either. I did toss a few toys in the bottom of it but just because I have no idea where else to put things at this point in time, she's not going to play with any of them yet.
Sigh, we are getting there... When is she gonna get here?

LIMITED TIME ONLY! Van Hannah!

Ok, I sent the girls a card and because Hannah just learned the birthday song last month I made sure to mention that it was my birthday this month and they should have daddy make them special toast and sing me happy birthday. Not sure if they ever got Grandpa Charlie's French toast but here's the song. This will only be out there on the tube for a short amount of time so look quick!

Van Hannah!

Still sick..

So I am still home sick today, this is day 4, off work day 3. I am really hoping to go back tomorrow. I threw the sheets in the wash on hot today, waiting and throwing in the blankets next. I can't believe the coodies. I ran the dishwasher yesterday and emptied it and broke into a sweat. You would expect it was better exercise if that were the case.
We are all home sick, I am avoiding needing a Z-Pack from the DR but if tomorrow I am not better, fever broken then I am getting one. I woke up today in a cold sweat duing my morning nap so I am hoping that is the break to the fever.
I am heading up to wallgreens in a bit to get more sudafed, I may just go to Dierbergs and get the same thing and bet Bob some soup and me some fruit. Tracey got me a whole pack of Clementine's on Monday and I have 2 left, that yogurts and cereal is about all I have been eating. I drank 6, 32oz glasses of water yesterday and now everything is running clear, but still running. I wonder if Clementine's make snot?
I know they say pregnancy makes you have odd dreams but I think being sick and pregnant makes your dreams even more strange. I had the most odd dream about my father last night, he tried to give me this belt, and was walking my husband through this photo album/book I have no idea what was in it but pictures I had never seen before, articles and something about the add on closet from my childhood home. We were at that house too, which is really odd because I don't have a single memory of being in that house with my father. Most of my memories of him are from right before he died or what I think are dreams from when I was very young. Who knows.. odd dreams I tell ya!
Off to change the laundry then to the store then for my afternoon nap (if I need it), hope all is well.